if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
