two words: eviction party
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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