Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
