I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
