Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
