Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
