apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
