I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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