Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
