Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
