We're like a lot better than the average bears
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
