I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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