3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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