Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
