Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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