I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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