So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
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STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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