what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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