you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
