so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
