Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
