Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Your penis caused this!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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