my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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