i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
