I feel like abortions should bother me more
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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