We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
