It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
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Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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