Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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