I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
