Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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