chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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