Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
