i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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