Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
