i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
