i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
