I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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