I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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