it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
