I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
