after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
