I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
