her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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