Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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