8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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