also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
