This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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