remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
