Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
