I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
