Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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