there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
