You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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