Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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