I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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