it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize