i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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